23 Things Only People Who Were Raised By Really Strict Parents Understand

1. You were always the first person who had to leave when everyone was hanging out.

2. Asking permission for a sleepover at your friend’s house took 37 hours of mental preparation, a detailed powerpoint presentation of your friend’s family tree, and a signed contract in your blood saying you wouldn’t drink and would be in bed by 10pm.

3. Whenever your friends would make plans for later that night, you knew your parents would say no because it literally took them 2-3 business days to process whether they would allow you to go out.

4. You would practice asking your parents for permission to do something in the mirror and preemptively come up with answers to questions you knew they’d ask.

5. You also always had to wait until they were in a good mood before asking for anything.

6. You sometimes whipped out the wounded puppy look and would sigh and say “never mind… you’re going to say no anyway” to garner sympathy from your parents before asking for a really big favor.

7. You would ask your parents once, and only once, if you could hang out at someone’s house. You never understood why your friends would think that “asking them again” would make any difference.

8. You always had to choose between going out on either Friday or Saturday night because there’s no way your parents were going to agree to both.

9. You understand THE PURE, UNADULTERATED PANIC that channels through your veins when your idiot friends change the plans 10 times and you have to keep reexplaining to your parents what you’re doing.

10. You lied constantly. About everything. You still do.

11. You never cursed until you got to college.

12. You never had “The Talk” with your parents. They probably left a book on your bed about your ~changing body~ and let you figure it out.

13. Family dinner conversations revolved around your academics and class schedule—never about your social or love life. As far as your parents were concerned, you didn’t have either.

14. To this day, you still can’t get dressed without wondering what your parents would think about what you’re wearing. Middle and high school were a 7 year war over whether that skirt was too short or if the words on your Abercrombie shirt were too suggestive.

15. Getting one piercing in your ears was the extent of what you could do to your body. If you even thought about dying your hair an unconventional color, getting a tattoo, or even getting a second piercing, hell would freeze over.

16. You probably shared the same first name as at least 4-5 other people in your classes growing up.

17. You always changed the channel if your parents walked in on you watching something where the characters might kiss.

18. Your parents always tried to sign up to chaperone school functions and field trips.

19. Manners were everything. You got the “I don’t want people to think you were raised by wolves” speech almost as often as the “is your napkin not on your lap at the dinner table? Do you do this at other people’s houses? I can’t let you out in public if you don’t put your napkin on your lap” lecture.

20. You’ve spent years dreaming of rebellion in the form of making spontaneous plans or wearing flip flops to the airport.

21. Your impulse reaction to hearing your friends say they had sleepovers with their significant others is open-mouthed shock.

22. You’re careful telling jokes to your parents because their response toes the line between laughing along to immediately going off on a 45 minute rant and probably sending you to your room afterwards.

23. If you miss one phone call, your parents suddenly assume you’re smoking “that marijuana” with “that one friend of yours” they KNEW was going to be a bad influence.

Katie Mather

Nude Sunbather On Singapore Beach Injured After Crab Mistakes Her Vagina For Oyster

Left: Changi Beach. Right: Oysters make up a typical item in the diet of a crab

A 28-year old Pasir Ris woman who decided to sunbathe nude at Changi Beach has received a laceration to her vagina after she was bitten by a crab. A marine biologist who commented on the case claims that the crab – likely to have been a horn-eyed ghost crab – may have confused the woman’s genitals with an oyster, which is part of their natural diet.

According to reports by local media, the incident occurred in the afternoon when the beach was largely deserted. The woman, along with two of her female friends, decided it was a good opportunity to sunbathe nude – an act that is illegal in Singapore. Despite flaunting the law, the group of women told reporters that they sometimes sunbathe nude in order to get a full body tan – but only when there are no other beach goers within sight.

“We had been on the beach for about 15 minutes, and I had just fallen asleep,” said one of the girls involved. “I was waken up by my friend screaming that something had bitten her, and looking down we were shocked to see a crab hanging off her lower body.”

The 28-year old’s friends both helped to remove the crab, and they provided immediate first aid until medical help could arrive. “We were both a bit embarrassed because of the location of the injury, but we put that out of our mind to help our friend.”

The girls told reporters that they were worried that the crab’s pincers could have contained poison, so they took turns to suck out the venom from the wound. “We weren’t sure if that type of crab is poisonous, but just to be on the safe side we thought we’d better clean the wound.”

The woman was soon treated for the bite and is expected to make a full recovery with minimal scarring thanks to the quick actions of her friends. However, the psychological impact of being bitten on the genitals by a crab is likely to last for some time. “We have advised her to not go sunbathing in the nude in future,” said one of the medical team that treated her.

A leading marine biologist interviewed about the case pointed out that the most likely cause for the crab biting the woman’s vagina was that it may have mistaken it for an oyster. “In many ways, both in visual appearance and smell, the female genitals are very similar to oysters and other molluscs. Horn-eyed ghost crabs are usually very shy and don’t approach humans unless threatened, so the obvious conclusion is a case of mistaken identity.”

The injured girl’s friends have been commended for the assistance they provided and the maturity that they showed when dealing with the incident. “While the pincers of a crab are not typically venomous, they can cause an allergic reaction in some people if they are bitten in sensitive areas, particularly the genitals,” said the marine biologist. “The injured girl is lucky her friends were on hand to provide assistance.”

According to the biologist, unprovoked cases of crabs biting humans are extremely rare, and thus there is no reason for Singaporean beach goers to be concerned about them. However, he did highlight that nude sunbathing can be a risk. “In this case, the woman received a deep cut to her genitals, but she should make a full recovery. If it had been a man sunbathing in the nude, a crab bite could have had more serious implications.”

Guys: Here’s What Girls Really Think of Your Hairstyle

If you’re anything like me, you’re probably really concerned about what a guy thinks about your hairstyle. I’m sure you go to the hair salon to switch up your look thinking “Man, I hope that guy I pass on subway every day likes my new cut and color!” I’m assuming that’s why this article was written. Just for you. A handful of popular hairstyles were shown to men and they were gracious enough to give their honest feedback. So naturally I felt the need to do the same, because I’m sure guys everywhere who don’t even know I exist are dying to know what I think about their hairstyles.

Well, listen up guys because I’ve picked out the most popular ‘dos I’ve seen guys with over the past few months and have given my completely necessary and totally solicited opinions. You’re welcome.

Man Bun

Here’s the thing about man buns that I don’t understand, why is it such a big deal to have one? I mean women have been wearing topknots and messy buns for years, where’s our award? Anyway, I think man bun wearers everywhere are just like TLC’s second album: crazy, sexy and cool.


Once again a new take on a style women have been rocking for years. Is it just me or does this look like the male version of Snooki’s beloved poof? Guys who take the time to make this hairstyle stand up on it’s own like that for an entire day are probably high maintenance, so I’m not really interested. Sorry not sorry.

Shaved on the Sides/Back

Okay so I’m not sure what this hairstyle is actually called, but I like it. The guy sporting this style is definitely casual and cool, he dresses sporty and is super laid back. Always.

The Side Part

To me, the side part is everything and it gives me life. Only a classic man could rock this hairstyle, but I’m not sure I’d actually date a guy with a side part because 1) what if it looks better than mine and 2) he might spend too much time in the mirror trying to perfect this perfectly parted style and we can’t have that.

Any Type Of Fade

Wait, I lied before this is the hairstyle that gives me life, as long as your lining is crisp, otherwise, don’t even bother. Seriously.

Slicked Back

Let’s be honest the only guys successfully wearing this are David Beckham, Justin Timberlake and Leo DiCaprio. Sorry fellas.


What can I say about locs? I mean, look at them, just look at them, they’re beautiful. Nuff said.

So there you have it, my opinion on the hair that you may or may not be currently rocking. I’m sure now that you know what I think about your hairstyle you’re dying to share it with the world, or maybe even switch it up. Who wouldn’t want to change their hair based on something a complete stranger thinks? I know personally, thanks to that article, I’m going to continue rocking my natural hair with confidence because I no longer have to wonder what guys think about me doing so.

Phew! Thank goodness.

OCSO: Hernando Co. mom steals luxury stroller, leaves family stranded at Disney

$1,800 stroller had family’s keys, wallets inside

SPRING HILL, Fla. (WFTS) – A Tampa Bay area mother is accused of using her young daughter to steal a high-end stroller at Disney World, then flip it online.

It’s the last place you’d expect a mom to steal from other parents, but the search for a suspect led right to Spring Hill after a Disney surveillance photo went viral.

It was supposed to be a fun-filled day at Disney World, but Lauren Collazo said the happiest place on Earth was anything but on April 15.

Someone stole her $1,800 Bugaboo stroller while her family was on a ride in Hollywood Studios.

“It was the fact that she took it away from me the day that I needed it the most and ruined everybody’s day at Disney,” said Collazo, of Miami.

Also missing was everything underneath the stroller; her family’s car keys, wallets and her niece’s EpiPen.

“I was there with no money, stranded,” Collazo told ABC Action News via Skype. “My husband had to fly over from Miami that same day, catch the first flight available to rescue me and my family.”

WFTS obtained a Disney surveillance picture, showing the alleged thief using her young daughter in the con to slip away in Collazo’s stroller.

Orange County detectives issued an arrest warrant for Michelle Craig, of Spring Hill.

Craig turned herself into the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office Wednesday, she faces a charge of Grand Theft.

The theft went viral on social media. A Texas woman contacted Collazo after buying her stroller online from Craig.

“She’s like ‘Oh my God, it still has the clips on it, it still has the tie wraps where your name was on it, do you recognize it?’ I’m like absolutely,” said Collazo.

WFTS tried asking Craig about the numerous other high-end strollers we found for sale on her Facebook page in the past, along with the designer purses and diaper bags.

No one answered the door when we showed up to get her side of the story.

The Orange County Sheriff’s Office confirmed that they are actively investigating Craig for other recent luxury stroller thefts at Disney.

“It’s time to find a different job and a different hobby that’s not stealing from other moms and ruining families’ days,” said Collazo.

WFTS asked a representative of Disney if they plan to ban Craig from their parks after this investigation and what can be done to safeguard strollers when parents are on rides.

A Disney spokesperson has not returned our request for comment.

5 Everyday Struggles You’ll Only Relate To If You’re A Female INTP

Growing up as an INTP female, I always felt a little bit like a freak. I never seemed to fit in with the other girls quite right.

In my adult years, I can’t say much has changed.

In many ways, I met the INTP stereotypes to a T. Logic guides most of my decisions. I’ve been called “critical” more times than I can count. Video games and virtual worlds are much more comfortable to me than actual real world. And I have long been shot with the phrase “not meeting my potential in school.”

Being a female INTP, I make up just 2{242284c2b4ecb42ce145674282a91f528eac5aaa2b06dcbd7792c2e4bc5a83c2} of the population. In the past, I really did try my best fit in, but over time I’ve learn to say “fuck it, this is me.”

1. My authenticity is often questioned.

Like I said in a lot of ways, I meet the INTP stereotypes. Consequently, I often contradict the stereotypes for “most” females. This leaves me in many situations where men question if I am being “authentic.” Once on a Tinder date, I had brought up that I spend a good amount of time playing my PS4. After we got back to his place, he handed me his Xbox controller and told me “prove my self-proclaimed gaming skill.” A completely different console. To say the least, I never went out with him again. Yes, I enjoy videos games. No, I do not just say that to appeal to men. No, I am not going to prove myself to anyone.

2. Significant Others call me “confusing.”

As an INTP, explaining my feels to others has not always been my forte. They say communication is key to relationships and it is probably what I struggle with the most. When I am feeling emotions in a relationship, I typically keep them to myself and hope that through my actions the other person simply “figures it out.” Many times, however, I’ve found myself in situations where me and the other person are on completely different pages.

3. I’m completely comfortable in chaoe.

INTPs rarely live their lives in an overly structured or organized manner. I’m often absentminded to a total mess even if I am living in it. For my entire life, there always seems to be a large pile of clothes, shoes and anything else in my bedroom floor. Mundane tasks such as cleaning and organizing just feel impossible to me. While living in my college dorm, I lost my hairdryer for a solid week and accused numerous dorm mates of taking it. Only later did I discover that it was under my massive pile junk in my bed. I literally was sleeping on top of it for a week. Have I mentioned I hate cleaning?

4. Self-care just isn’t a top priority.

The expectations of self-care for females is ridiculously unfair in my opinion, that being said, I struggle to keep up. Washing my every day or even every other day just feels like far too much effort. Dry shampoo is a lifesaver. Putting on makeup every day for my office job is draining. Finding different outfit combinations seems like a waste of energy; sometimes I truly miss school uniforms.

5. Relating to other females is a challenge.

Making conversation around the office or at social events is something that I’ve never quite fully understood. I’m terrible at small talk. I can’t see the point nor think of questions. The best approach I’ve learned is to copy the conversation starters I’ve heard from other. “Nice shoes, where did you get them?” is one of my main go to phrases. While it might seem like it, no I am not a robot.

10 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’re Repressing The Hell Out Of Your Feelings

Ah, emotional repression. The tactic we’re all taught growing up, but loathe to admit we’re engaging in.

In a world that teaches us to be strong and unwavering at all costs, it can be embarrassing to admit that we’re actually ~feeling~ something. So we do the next-best thing – and push that feeling down into the depths of our psyche!

But of course, all repressed feelings resurface eventually. Here are 10 counter-intuitive ways in which we deal with our unexpressed emotions.

1. Taking care of everyone else.

Let’s be serious – it’s a lot easier to deal with someone else’s emotions than it is to deal with your own. So you spend a lot of time sorting out your loved ones’ emotional crises. It makes you feel like you’ve got this whole ‘feelings’ thing down pat – when in reality you’re just avoiding confronting your own.

2. Disappearing from their lives for long periods of time.

Every once in a while, someone rudely evokes emotions in you that you don’t feel capable of handling. So you just, y’know, bail, for a couple of months until you can be reasonably certain that the emotion in question has been buried deeply enough to not resurface for a while.

3. Constantly. Staying. Busy.

If you’re constantly sprinting from one commitment to another, your emotions can’t possibly catch up! Becoming a low-key workaholic is an excellent alternative to actually feeling your feelings. And a profitable one at that!

4. Continuously claiming that you’re fine.

You like… are fine? You think. You feel fine. If the way ‘fine’ feels is kind of bleak and dead inside, with an undercurrent of inexplicable anxiety.

5. Developing irrational anxieties.

When you don’t acknowledge your feelings, they still come out – they just come out in irrational ways. You know that person who thinks they have a brand-new type of cancer every second week? Probably not the most emotionally in-touch of your friends.

6. Putting a positive spin on everything.

Your worst fear is seeing a friend tilt their head to the side sympathetically and ask you how you’re dealing with a recent negative event. So you beat them to the punch, by immediately telling them all the awesome realizations you’ve had as a result of said negative experience. If you can put a positive spin on a negative situation, you never have to confront how you’re really feeling!

7. Wanting to plan everything ahead of time.

You like to be in control of absolutely everything that happens to you, because you’re only comfortable in situations where you can predict how you’re going to feel. Doing something genuinely spontaneous and leaving the door open for surprise feelings to jump through? NO THANK YOU.

8. Dating people who are wrong for you.

If you never date someone who’s right for you, you never have to risk becoming emotionally intimate with them. And if you can avoid emotional intimacy with others, you can avoid it within yourself. Double win!

9. Turning EVERYTHING into a joke.

You’re not falling apart at the seams! You can prove it, by turning your pain into everyone else’s amusement.

10. Presenting a tough-as-nails exterior.

There is no such thing as an unemotional person. Even psychopaths experience emotion (just not in the form of interpersonal empathy). Which means that tough-as-hell exteriors are often key indicators that the person behind them is RIFE with repressed emotions.

Not you, though. Of course not you.

You’re fine. You’re totally fine.

Here’s Why Your Girlfriend Is A Totally Crazy Bitch, According To Her Zodiac Sign

Aries (March 21st – April 19th)

She’s loudmouthed, bossy, impatient and impulsive. This girl won’t think twice about slashing your tires or lighting your entire closet on fire. She’s undisciplined, action-oriented and fearless. While that’s fun in the beginning-all that lack of self-control and devil-may-care attitude-I shed a tear for the person who crosses her. She’ll run her mouth about what you did (or maybe something she perceived you did- she’s not big on fact checking) to your friends and family, blow up your Facebook with public posts and will flood her Instagram feed with photos of her ‘just hanging out’ with other people to make you jealous. She’s like a toddler with access to a smartphone and your house keys.

The good news is, because she’s so impulsive and doesn’t always think things through, chances are she’ll just destroy the first thing she comes in contact with, be it your brand-new NorthFace jacket, your beat up, virus ridden six-year old laptop, or your ego. As long as you keep the truck locked in the garage and your lucky Von Miller jersey tucked safely away, they’ll be safe. She lacks the follow-through to go looking for the stuff you actually care about.

Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)

The bull is prone to laziness, possessiveness, jealousy, materialism and penny-pinching. She’s a whole lot of fun in the beginning. She’ll treat you like royalty-the lady bull will shower you with gift and home-cooked meals, long, sensuous massages, a powerful sex drive and an unflappable demeanor. That said, once the bloom is off the rose and the Bull settles into her routine is when things can turn ugly.

If she thinks your work-wife is a little too much “wife” and not enough “work”, prepare to come home to the Spanish inquisition. If you really cross her, that sweet little Ferdinand lass of yours will turn into Toro the Bull. I hope you’ve put away your valuables, because they’re about to get smashed to smithereens. When she’s really done (and mind you, it takes a while for her to get there, but once she’s through, there’s no turning back), after the screaming, the stomping, the pouting, the accusations and the destructions of your things (not hers, she’s spent way too much money on her things), you better keep an eye on that bank account- especially if it’s shared. She’ll drain you for every penny you have, and not think twice. The bull is soothed by food, wine and material goods, and if she feels you’ve crossed her, she’ll think nothing of emptying your pockets for her own satisfaction.

Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)

If you’ve hooked up with a Gemini, you’ve probably been temporarily blinded by her chatter and charm. Being with a Gemini is like being inside a butterfly pavilion. Everything is so light and easy, so pretty and stimulating, you don’t know where to look first. She’ll enchant you with her tinkerbell laugh and her childlike interest in everyone and everything. You’ll think you’ve fallen into a land of fairies and pixie dust. Believe me, you haven’t.

She’s superficial, ADHD, unable to commit, wracked with anxiety and has zero direction.

Everything is new and fun and interesting to her whirling dervish of a mind, that she retains minimal information and is constantly flying off to the next flower. She’s a tease, because she can’t settle down with one person but sex is also oftentimes ‘too much’ for her, so she flits about driving everyone, including her partner, absolutely crazy. She’s also incredibly moody, given her dual nature, and a ball of nerves due to her tendency to bite off more than she can chew.

Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)

If you’re with a Cancer, be prepared for the tears. Nonstop. Over everything and nothing. The woman has zero self-esteem and is constantly looking for outside reassurance. At first she may seem interesting and mysterious, due to her hard outer shell, but once you’ve broken through and committed yourself to her, she turns into a stage 9 clinger.

You better have lots of tissues, endless patience and unlimited minutes and texting on your phone, because she will be on you, 24-7. A night out with the guys is enough to send her into a tailspin for a week. She’s not one to speak her wants and desires, expecting you to read her mind, and becoming livid when you don’t. This woman acts like she’s PMSing a full 24/7, 365. Cancer is also the sign on the mother, so she’ll be on your for kids within the first few weeks of dating. Don’t trust her when she says she’s on the pill- make sure you’re double-bagging that thing and always check for pinholes in the condom wrapper.

But hey, it’s not all bad. Cancer woman tend to have great racks, so if you’re a tit-man, you’re in for a treat.

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)

“Off with their head!” is the Leo woman’s motto. She doesn’t just admire Beyoncé- she actually thinks she IS Beyoncé, and you, peasant, will treat her as such. She has a jealous streak to rival the Taurus or Scorpio woman, only hers is compounded by a flair for the dramatic as well. Prepare for public fights, drinks to be thrown in your face, screams about how you were lucky she ever spoke to you, how she can’t believe she wasted her time with someone only made/did/went to (insert income/job/school here) and will stomp off, after stomping your foot with one of her stilettos.

You might think she’d stomped off home, but chances are, once she cooled down a bit, she stomped off to your apartment. You may very well come home to the kitten side of your Leo lady, now that the panther has licked her wounds a bit. You’ll find her curled up in your bed, smelling like a whole perfume store, skin glistening, makeup perfectly applied, hair cascading all over her leopard print silk nightie, and practically purring to you how very, very sorry she is.
Just remember…even kittens have claws.

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)

The Virgo woman is the original nagger, complainer, and hypochondriac. At first it seems sweet- she shows her affection through acts of service. She’s so is highly organized so you’ll never have ask twice where your socks are, if a bill has been paid or what’s for dinner. It will all be pre-planned and taken care of, complete with an excel spreadsheet and a marked-off Google calendar outlining the next six months.

Slowly though…the nagging starts. The criticisms. The phantom sicknesses. Your house will smell like protein powder and B-12 tablets from all the supplements she takes (and will make you take too). What started out as gentle urging to maybe go to the gym more or take that night class will turn into a full-blown criticism of your beer gut and lack of professional ambition. While initially the sex will be earthy and sensual (although there WILL be a towel laid down and don’t you DARE get a drop on the sheets), eventually it will dry up completely. If that’s not enough to turn you away, the placement of the humidifier, nasal strips, compression socks, white cotton granny panties and neck pillow, to ensure a restful, healthful sheep should make you run for the hills. Unless you’re another Virgo, in which case you can live happily in a little hypoallergenic bubble with her till the end of your days.

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)

Think back to when you met your pretty Libra lady. Remember how she smiled, tossed her hair and gazed at you as if you were the only person on the planet, and the most interesting one to boot? Remember how you left feeling like royalty? Well you’re not. She does that with everyone. It’s how she gets her way.

It doesn’t take long for the ‘psycho’ to come out in Libra, but she’s so skilled at making people see what she wants them to see, you may very well never notice. She’s so socially graceful, so charming, and such a skilled conversationalist that manipulation comes as easy to her as breathing. She has such a wide variety of friends and lovers, and is so adept at keeping these people from meeting, that she doesn’t just live a double life, she lives a tripe, quadruple life. But damn if she isn’t so sweet and feminine and look to you like the big strong man (or woman) you are that you’ll ever believe a word I’m saying! (Believe me- I’m a Libra myself). In the end though, it’s not the lying, half-truths and manipulating that will do you in- it’s the indecisiveness. This woman can debate and deliberate till the cows come home. Lucky for you, Libra tends to be rather self-involved, so she probably won’t notice that you’ve packed your bags and left the city till you’re long gone. She was too busy debating the merits of ketchup versus catsup.

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)

I’m not going to even bother explaining how the Scorpio woman reeled you in. Chances are, it was a mixture of sexual titillation, fierce intelligence and “The Rules”. This woman knows the game, and she plays it perfectly.

Should you cross her though…well…don’t say you haven’t been warned. Scorpios natural ruler is Pluto, the planet of death, destruction and regeneration. Their secondary ruler is Mars, the planet named after the God of War. It’s a potent combination. She can play a long game, and oftentimes will. Here is the woman that will live with the knowledge of your affair for months on end, smiling sweetly at you the whole time, while putting arsenic in your coffee. Here is the woman who will track down the person you’re sleeping with and begin torturing them with anonymous notes and threats, hang-up phone calls, drive-bys and all other sorts of mental manipulation. Miss Scorpio will do it so craftily everyone will think that your lover is the crazy one. Here is the woman that will, in the end, find your prized possessions and light them on fire, while she makes you watch, and then walk out the door with your childhood best friend, who she’d locked under her spell from the first moment she found out you’d wronged her. Revenge isn’t just a dish best served cold- it’s her favorite dish in the world.

Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st )

Sags, the archers of the zodiac, are known for their athleticism, sense of humor and chummy attitudes. Never ones to take themselves seriously, they are the proverbial ‘lampshade-on-the-head’ party girls, and their live-and-let-live attitude and bawdy jokes will have you clutching your sides. Much like their male counterparts, the archer lady doesn’t see the point in dilly-dallying around before jumping into bed with you. The reason you’ll stay? Even though she’s easy, she has almost no-hang ups about antiquated notations of female sexuality, and she won’t blow up your phone with questions about “Where is this going?” or “I never do that, I hope you don’t think I’m a slut!”

The real reason she’s not blowing up your phone? She’s too busy doing it with everyone. The woman has no concept of fidelity, and when you catch her cheating for the seventh or eighth time (and she won’t try and hide it, Sags are all about honesty), she’ll be baffled as to why you’re mad. She’ll then becoming incensed that you are trying to ‘own’ her, and the dishes will fly. Along with the television. And the radio. And your weight set. And anything else she can get her hands on. All the while she’s destroying your house, she’ll be telling you exactly how SHE feels, with zero regard to your feelings in the coarsest language possible. My best advice for the person dating the Sagittarius lady? Go into it viewing the relationship as fun, not fidelity, don’t ever except to tie her down and make sure you’ve got the number for a good clinic on speed dial in case you need an emergency shot of penicillin for when she comes back from her road trip from Vegas. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas- except for that pesky case of the clap she brought home with her.

Capricorn: (December 22nd – January 19th)

Chances are you met your Capricorn lady somewhere defined as ‘classy’, like a high-end auction, law-firm meetup group or interning at the White House. That’s because the girl has goals. She’s ambitious in the truest sense of the word, and nothing stops her from achieving her goals. Not even you. Especially you.

She’s the kind of girl you can take home to mom, with her twinsets, pearls and perfectly highlighted hair. She’s extremely intelligent, and will be able to talk recipes with your mother and politics with your father. She’s a firecracker in the bedroom, and most kinks won’t make her bat an eye. But before you sit there thinking “what’s the problem?” let’s take a look at YOU, dear reader. Chances are, you’ve got a family with money, connections or some sort of family name. She’s not with you because she likes you. She’s with you because of what she can get from you. You’re nothing but a peg on her way to the top, and once she’s reached the top of whatever it is she’s chosen (and believe me, she will), you’ll have served your purpose and be tossed aside. If the sex was good she may keep you around for a couple more years to release her frustrations, or even convince you to marry her, but proceed with caution. The Capricorn lady only has #1 in mind, and that sure as hell ain’t you.

Aquarius: (January 20th – February 18th)

The water-bearers are charming and quirky. You probably met her when she was volunteering at the animal shelter you adopted your dog at. She’ll always be unconventional and intellectual, and probably seems fairly easy going and upbeat. She’s the truest humanitarian, and knows her mind- when she makes a decision, she sticks with it.

Things will start to sour when all that unconventional, quirky energy becomes just plain annoying. You’ll struggle to follow her logic since she’ll speak in obscure quotes and non-sequiturs. Aquarius being the most detached sign of the zodiac, you’ll find she doesn’t really have any friends, just tons of different acquaintances from different backgrounds she collects. She has no idea how to relate to another person, be it physically or emotionally, so when your grandmother dies and you’re weeping and distraught, she’ll probably just stare at you and wonder why you’re crying- the woman was 87 years old, after all.

She won’t waste much time worrying about it beyond that, and just shrug her shoulders and stick her nose back in her book about underwater basket weaving or whatever asinine subject she’s interested in at that moment. Sexually she’s incredibly selfish- again, because, it’s because she’s got a loner complex and is completely disconnected from her partner or friends. She’ll let you do all the work, never once thinking to reciprocate. Eventually you probably won’t even be the one to leave- you’ll just wake up one day and find that she’s up and left the country to work with underprivileged llamas in Nepal, leaving behind nothing but her astronomy diorama and a few science fiction books she couldn’t fit in her suitcase.

Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)

No doubt you met this girl at a bar, because she loves to get her drink on. And her coke on. And her molly on. Anything to get blotto. Pisces are the addicts of the zodiac. While at first all that drinking and recreational drug use seems fun and free-spirited, it quickly turns into a string of crushing hangovers, accompanied by an empty bank account from all those trips to the bar.

The Pisces woman has even less ambition than the Gemini. Oh she’ll work if she has to, but she prefers to spend her days and nights at the bottom of a bottle, writing poetry that makes no sense, smearing paint on a canvas or simply staring at the sky. She’s got a martyr complex, and you’re fights will start because “you have no idea what it’s like to be her”. She’ll become morose and dark, speaking in short phrases and thinly veiled suicide attempts. Occasionally you’ll see her temper come out, with its drunk, lashing tongue and uncontrollable crying fits. Eventually you’ll recover from this one in a rehab facility of your own, once you finally realize that all the tears, booze and drugs were never really going to end in suicide and finally get up the strength to come up for air and dry off and dry out from your Pisces lady.

Show Buttons
Hide Buttons